[Finished] Liquid Compensation

[Narye Matsuya]

"A little of both... I think..."

Narye had not responded much to Saaga moving her chair to the other side of the table, or much of anything as he ran thoughts through his alcohol-addled brain. Even after she sat down and poured him another drink, Narye did not move much and continued to stare at his newly-filled cup. It took a few seconds for Narye to respond to Saaga's question, and even then he continued to stare at his cup.

"Saaga? Can I tell you a little about myself?"

He looked up at her, a little glassy-eyed, like his mind was trying to do something serious and meaningful but his body wasn't quite capable of keeping up. Telling her about his family felt like it was going to be a big thing, and he believed it, and it would have a serious impact their relationship, whatever level it might be at. But it was something that had to come out, and waiting would only make it eat away at his conscience. The alcohol was numbing the little bit of pain and anxiety that welled up about it.

Narye chugged everything in his cup at once before leaning forward, almost falling forward, onto the table, supporting himself on his elbows.

"I... I used to have a family..."

The anxiety and nervousness of telling her this was visible on Narye's face, but he sounded strangely sincere. Like he was trusting her with a secret.

"I had a wife and a daughter, Yumi and Chiru... Until three years ago. Three years ago... They just disappeared. Gone.

The shaking fist he made and his lowered gaze spoke to how much it hurt to recount that occurence. He thought he had moved-on from it, even a little bit, but talking about out loud rekindled those feelings.

"I haven't seen them since... My daughter would be... Sixteen now..."

Slowly, he looked up at Saaga again, looking for any kind of reaction. But hoping that she would at least stay, for now.

[Saaga Sun]

"A little of both... I think..."

Her eyes narrowed at that comment and she found herself tensing up as if waiting for something unpleasant to happen. He was acting really strange. Before he’d hardly been able to keep his hands off her and now he was almost meek and clearly distracted by some ill thoughts. She did not know if she should have been worried about him or not and it made her feel anxious. She looked around the bar but saw nothing that could have upset him while she was gone. Everyone was enjoying their drinks in peace and the only sounds were those of the radio playing in the background, glasses and cups clinking and the lively conversations between people. Nothing menacing going on there.

“Sure you can. I’m not easily shocked,” she smiled at him reassuringly, for he looked like he was afraid of her reaction to this something he was about to lay out. The way he chugged down his drink made it seem even more that way.

Saaga raised the cup of sake to her lips and took a sip, just as he told her. She managed to swallow without choking, but dropped the half empty cup onto the table, spilling its contents onto her vest. She looked at him eyes wide and mouth open.

Come again?

So he had been married, but he was not a widow. So he was still technically married, but his wife wasn’t in the picture. But he was married. And he had a child. A teen aged child. A child who was only four years her junior.

She raised her hands to rub at her temples trying desperately to sort out this information. He sounded devastated over the loss of his family and Saaga could fully sympathize but their disappearance and the sadness that came with it was overshadowed by the fact that he was married and had a child.

“I’m…I uh…I’m sorry for your loss?” she managed, but her throat seemed to have dried out and she was surprised her voice didn’t come out as a croak. She blinked and stared at the table and then him and then the table again. If he was married, what did that make her?

Whatever thing she thought he might tell her, this was not the thing she had been prepared to hear. It was hard to find words. Of all people she had been rendered speechless. She grabbed the bottle of sake and drank a long swig straight from the bottle. Then she slammed the bottle on the table and looked at him, half hoping it was all a joke.

“You’re married and you have a kid? Not even a kid, she’s almost my age?” she repeated trying to make sense of it by saying it out loud. Of course she was not so naïve as to think he’d never had anyone before her and perhaps he’d even have kids but…this was a little too much.

[Narye Matsuya]

Oh god. If Narye remembered this whole incident the next morning, he may have to come back to this bar and punch the barkeep in the face. Twice. The moment he saw Saaga's reaction, Narye wanted to take back everything he said, or turn back the clock somehow, or just do anything to get back to the drunk happy time they were having before he got all damn serious.

He could not remember the last time he had felt such a confusing mix of emotions. He was angry at having made what seemed like a horrible decision. He was saddened by the memory, but also by Saaga's reaction. He was so ashamed that he just wanted to curl up into a ball and die on the spot. But he was also just the tiniest bit happy that she was at least not storming out in disgust. Plus, he was still a little drunk.

He couldn't look at her for a moment, and simply put his face down on the table, hands on top of his head like he was trying to protect himself. What had he been thinking? Maybe the barkeep was wrong. Maybe keeping that part of him from Saaga wouldn't have been as bad as he insinuated. He would never know now though...

Narye had let it all out and he had to face it, as much as he wanted to just run out and save face. Saaga knew one of the most intimate things about him, and there was no way she would un-know it.

"I... I was married... And I had a child..."

Given the three years since their disappearance, they were pretty much dead in Narye's mind, as morbid as that sounds. While he wanted to keep up hope that they were alive somewhere, he had to move past them somehow. But still, he was grasping at straws with his semantic corrections. He didn't even lift his head up. He just turned his head to the side so she could hear him clearly.

"And I know how bad it sounds, and it does sound bad, but I'm usin' you or anythin', Saaga... I really do like you for you... I just... I just needed someone to hold again..."

Maybe Narye was a sad drunk too, because he felt his eyes beginning to water up just from the intensity of moment. His head turned back to face the tabletop, and he refused to let any tears fall, regardless of their reason.

[Saaga Sun]

Saaga let out a deep sigh and closed her eyes, pressing her hands over her forehead as if she was trying to ward of a headache. That wasn’t actually far from the truth. She could feel a pounding in her temples, like a vein that was about to burst. How was she supposed to deal with this right now?

She was an inch away from breaking apart from her seams because of all that was going on at work, not to mention she was so drunk she doubted whether she could even write her own name right if asked to do it. Narye was certainly sneaky to have decided to tell her at this point. If she was sober, her reaction might have been somewhat different. How? Even Saaga did not know that.

He said his wife and daughter had disappeared three years ago. Three years ago, around this time she had just been released from quarantine and was living in the ghetto. In three years’ time many things could happen. Many things did happen. But she had doubts. Was it such a long time that it could erase the existence of someone? He spoke as if his wife and daughter were dead, whereas Saaga still spoke of her parents as if they were alive. Was time really that relative?

“Three years…It isn’t really that long. Why did you lose hope? They could still be somewhere…” she said trying to keep her voice from shaking. She wiped her eyes with her hands, refusing to tear up. Funny thing was, his confession wasn’t what was making her sad. She was thinking of her own family. She would have gladly traded death for disappearance, though maybe such brash thoughts would not have occurred to her if she’d gone through the same plight he had.

“You’re right…It does sound bad. I don’t even know why but I feel like a villain. Like I’m a thief,” she commented and poured herself a cup of sake, and then one for him as well.

“Can you please look at me while we talk?” she asked him and pushed the second cup towards him. She could at least try to make an attempt to understand him, even though all sorts of doubts were floating in her mind. The practical little part of her was snickering at her. Wasn’t it good she had not gotten fully invested? Now she could escape without a scratch. That little voice was a liar. She was pretty hurt already.

[Narye Matsuya]

Initially Narye did not show any sign that he had heard any of what Saaga had said. He was so motionless that it could easily have been mistaken that he had just passed out while face down on the table. But after the table resonated with the scratching of the cup sliding towards him, he slowly took the hands off his head and used them to help push him back up into a seated position, eyes a little red and puffy from the tears he refused to let fall.

He looked at his now-full cup again, thinking about what she had just said. One comment in particular stuck out to him the most. Saaga thought she was the one who was the villain in this circumstance? Against all odds, it made Narye chuckle while he grabbed his cup. Though his eyes looked as sad as ever.

"Yeah. Why would YOU be the villain here? You're not the one that gave up on his fuckin' wife and child and I know what you're thinkin'..."

Narye through back his sake again. But this time he practically dropped the cup back onto the table. His tone was angry and accusative.

"You're thinkin' that this old man is some kind of tramp. He's some kind of dick who gave up on his own flsh and blood... and not just the bad kind either... he's the sad kind too... Can't even flirt right when he should be out lookin' for them.."

Gradually his voice changed from one of anger to one of despair and hopelessness. The words he was putting in Saaga's mouth were his own. The words he had been telling himself for years. She had already seen a glimpse of this self-hating side of Narye before. But this was the true reason behind it. How could he just give up on the woman he loved and the child he had conceived? Why wasn't he out looking for them right now, instead of drinking with a younger woman?

"This sadsack shouldn't have even gone out to the Ball that night... Y'know? He shouldn't have even gotten out of bed the day he decided that he could do no more to find them... He shouldn't have tried to dance with that girl... Sure, she was pretty and interestin' and she liked the same bawdy jokes that he did and that they seemed to hit it off well...

Narye's eyes began to close and it looked like tears were threatening to fall. It was good thing Narye had picked a table towards the back of the bar, away from the other patrons.

"He shouldn't have... have even taken her to his bed... No one should have been in there... 'Cept for... 'Cept for his piece of shit corpse..."

[Saaga Sun]

At first it looked as though he was maybe getting some of his spirits back. He pushed himself back up and looked at her and she thought that maybe they could talk this out and everything would start making some sense to her. But that was not what happened. When he chuckled, she took it as a good sign and gave him a tentative smile, but that died out the moment he started talking. Well, not talking; venting. And boy did he vent. It was like watching a boiler go off. She knew she should have backed away but she was so stunned all she could do was stare, and listen.

Saaga doubted if she had ever had the displeasure of hearing such awful things said to her face. Sure she had been in arguments and people had cat called her and made some unsavory comments about her, but it had never been personal and this…vehement. They were strangers who didn’t know her and said whatever came to their minds with no regards to what was real and true. Well, Narye did not know her very well either, but they had a very intimate connection between them and it hurt her to listen to him go off like this. Most of what he said was not even targeted at her, he seemed to be bent on emotionally mauling himself, but it upset her to realize he seemed to think so little of her.

He seemed to have made up his mind that she was judging him, even though what she wanted was some details, some answers to make up her mind on what to think. And now she was feeling increasingly disappointed and ashamed, especially when he reached the point where he seemed to suggest he regretted sleeping with her. At least that’s how it sounded to her.

She didn’t even try to interrupt him and really, what could she have possibly said to all that? It was not a good night for her to be on the receiving end of such a tirade. She had already been emotionally drained when she walked in to the bar, and this was not helping her. She bit her lower lip hard and forced herself to look at him, mismatched eyes bright with tears. It was almost a shock to realize she was about to cry; it had been so long since the last time.

“A-are you done?” Saaga asked and now there was a definite tremble in her voice. She hated it, hated being reduced to such a state. She was supposed to be made of stronger stuff.

She had no more words, no clever retort, and no words to console him. She was completely tapped out and whenever she thought she’d found the right thing to say, it died on her lips making her look like a fish gasping for air. She groped for the thumb necklace around her neck and squeezed it hard inside her fist, for comfort and confidence.

“I don’t really know what to say to that…Congratulations, you have managed to strike me dumb,” she didn’t smile when she said it, in fact she did not have much of an expression at all. Tears were leaving streaks on her cheeks and she just sat there, uncharacteristically quiet and sad looking.

And then she rose from her chair, contemplating just a second if she should just go and leave him. But no matter how much his words had wounded her, she knew just from looking at him that no one in the room was in more pain than he was. She walked up to him and bent over a little to wrap her arms around him in the most uncertain hug she’d ever given to anyone. She was prepared to get pushed away by him.

[Narye Matsuya]

The hug seemed to do nothing. For the second time that night, Narye looked and felt like he had just passed out in his chair. His eyes were closed and he breathed softly into her neck. Hell, nothing was even passing through Narye's head at that very moment.

Even he thought he was completely blacked out.

But slowly his arms came up and wrapped around Saaga. It was a very soft embrace, unlike ones they shared before. It was less like Narye was hugging her, and more like he was desperately hanging on to her with a grip that had been weakened over the years.

He spoke very softly, like he was also desperately clinging to life. Holding on to this young woman, Narye was like a man holding on for a reason to live.

"Please don't go, Saaga..."

His eyes opened slightly. Just for her.

"You make me finally forget all those feelings... You make me feel happy..."

Narye's embrace tightened.

"I'm sorry for sayin' all that... You didn't deserve that... I don't regret dancing with you and I don't regret sleeping with you..."

Though his tone had changed, Narye was still speaking the truth. While the previous truth had been Narye's self-loathing put into words and reflected off a poor, undeserving girl, these words were the feelings hidden underneatht that. Saaga may have been a lot younger than him, but that didn't stop the girl from filling that hole in his heart made when his family disappeared. He knew that nothing would replace them, and that he would never forget them, but Narye needed someone... and he had more than enough affection to give to that someone.

"Please don't go..."

[Saaga Sun]

When he started hugging her back, Saaga managed a little smile, though it was tired and easily extinguishable. She wiped her face with the back of her hand, refusing not to cry any longer. Tears did not solve anything, in fact they only served to make her look timid and foolish and she wanted to think she was neither of those things.

Even though she could not erase the nagging feeling that some of Narye’s words had maybe hit straight on the mark, she decided it was perhaps better not to start pestering him about it. He looked like he was in no state to argue and truth be told, Saaga wasn’t up for it either. But she would make sure this would not be the last time the subject of his wife would come up. It would just have to wait for a time when they were both well rested, sober and not in public.

She swayed a little, switching her weight on the balls of her feet and cradling the rotten foul mouthed man in her arms. Her throat was still constricted with all the bottled up feelings his words had woken in her, but she did not say anything about them. He looked like he’d been bottling up things for a long while as well and his rant had just been the result of too much pressure boiling up. That would have been something she’d be able to forgive at least. People tended to say awful things to each other when pushed to a breaking point. She could sympathize with that.

“You’re right. I didn’t deserve any of that. After all the things you said, you should be worried about me regretting those things,” she said, a little more coolly than she’d intended, but nonetheless she still stood her ground as his support.

“Don’t worry. I won’t. But next time you talk like that, I’m going to smack you,” she replied to his plea and gave him a little pat on the shoulder. She would not be able to forget the things he’d said, but she wasn’t going to keep dwelling on them.

[Narye Matsuya]

"I'm sooo sorry, Saaga..."

Narye DID regret saying all those things to the girl he felt so strongly for, however that particular regret was not big enough to put Narye in his dark place again. It was a mixed bag. Those words were the result of years of repression and doubt and holding back, delivered in one large rant. What came out, and the fact that it had to come out like that, was his own fault and in no way reflected Saaga. But saying those things to this particular person should not have happened.

"Lets... Lets get out of here..."

The night had started on a high note and, while it was not preferable, would be ending on a rather low not. Given what had transpired, getting back up to a high note would either take too long and require the removal of alcohol. With those requirements, calling it a night for the bar was the best course of action.

Without letting go of Saaga, Narye stood up on shaky legs, nearly dragging Saaga down to the floor with him. Using each other for support, Narye managed to get onto his feet and now he was the one looking down on the girl in his arms. His smile was back, tiny but genuine. The vent had been in bad taste, but it left Narye feeling better now that he had let some of the pressure off his heart.

"We can go to my place. It's nearby..."

Leaving an arm around Saaga for both their support, he started to lead them for the door. Passing by the barkeep, Narye looked at the man with the stinkeye. The barkeep looked a little bewildered, but otherwise unfazed.

"Put it on my tab... Fucker..."

As they neared the door, Narye turned back to Saaga.

"You can take my bed. I'll take the couch."

[Saaga Sun]

”You know…instead of apologizing all the time, you should really work on not landing yourself in situations where it is required,” Saaga commented, shaking her head a little in disbelief.

Was this the third or second time now? She could not really say, for he had tip-toed around her even when they had first met, or rather after they had gone to his apartment. But all in all it was a safe bet that he’d apologized for some form of transgression or other, every time they’d met so far. She would have laughed at the whole situation, if she was able to find it even remotely amusing but strangely she could not find it in herself to even try.

“Yes, let’s do that. Let’s get you to sleep,” she agreed when he suggested they leave the bar and helped him on his feet the best she could, which admittedly wasn’t very good at all considering how he almost managed to fall down amidst the chairs. Luckily he seemed to remember the instinctive ability of how to control large muscle groups before anything disastrous could happen. Saaga sighed in relief and wrapped her arm around his waist to steady him.

She was still feeling the effects of all the drinks she’d had. Her legs felt a bit shaky and her vision was slightly blurred around the edges. But Narye’s rant had sucked all the feelings of euphoria and giddiness out of her, leaving her with a pretty sober mind in an annoyingly drunken body. Together they staggered through the bar and Saaga decided she would most definitely not show her face around there again.

She looked at the bartender apologetically and rolled her eyes at Narye’s crude comment towards him. She pinched him hard above his waistline and smiled at the barkeep, best she could.

“He didn’t mean that. Thank you. Good night,” she called to him in a desperate attempt to save some face, if not his then hers at least. The barkeep seemed to be trying to subdue a laugh as they walked to the door.

“You’re damn right I will. Nice of you to make that offer, but after all the things you said, I had no doubts that you’d be sleeping on the couch tonight.”

She didn’t sound angry as she said it, the tone was more matter of fact like. Technically Saaga had no right to go and dictate where a man could and would sleep in his own home. They were not living together and after meeting three times she doubted either of them had the right to demand serious commitment yet. But that didn’t seem to stop her from doing it anyway.