[Kaikuro] Game of Life

[Karura Kotoko]

Karura was in no mood to play around, completely aware of how serious the situation was. Although surprised at the turn of events and the headstrong way she had taken on his request, she fully intended to do what she said. Within a matter of moments she accepted the reality of her new responsibility of sorts. She stared at the dumbstruck Kai from over her shoulder, her eyes expectant and lucid and possessed of a rationality that couldn’t be found within the norm.

The idea that they had just met did little to shatter her vivid new intentions. In the world there were irresistible connections between things and people. What was supposed to happen happened without question and she felt trapped within such a moment now, impossibly aware of all the patterns, daring to glance at the very structure of life and purpose. Her eyes were locked onto his as if trying to figure out the sense in his existence and rummage through his shaky soul with her own battle spirit, an essence hardened by trials and reptilian cold in its approach but with intentions directed towards evolution.

Words failed him for a while, but she had patience. When he finally produced something intelligible, her warlike front finally cracked to allow a smirk, a shine in her eyes. “You’ll come to learn I’m full of surprises.” She even surprised herself sometimes. The way she had reacted today had been a surprise. He had unleashed something within her she hadn’t thought still lurked around – the genuine desire to drag someone out of their pit, in this case, with little interest in being gentle about it.

Her eyes narrowed as his ideas flowed. “It’s not my burden,” she agreed, “but you asked me to judge and I did. That was my verdict and decision. I’m not going to take it back and it won’t come as a favor. You would start working for me, and through that, find what I do and in the process take action to actually redeem yourself.” She watched him, all defensive and avoidant and wishing to cocoon himself in his state of passive lament and inaction. “It’s possible,” she added later, then turned her eyes away from him, one of her hands coming to rest on her belt, a few fingers curling around the hold of her sword. Even if she had wanted to rid the world of his un-contributing existence, she could hardly do it in the middle of the street so near the police station.

“Is that what you want? To crawl back into anguished contemplation and continue doing absolutely nothing as you waste away for no reason? Do you think your regret and self-pity help anyone? Do you believe it sooths the souls of those you took?” She took a little look around to make sure no one else would hear her. “When you took the lives of children you created an imbalance and injustice in the world. You should strive to fix it. As noble as you must think your focus on suffering is, I’ll be the one to point out it isn’t influencing anyone nor restoring anything. The only one who gets anything out of it is you.”

“If you want to return to your drab and purposeless existence, stop following me.” And with that she resumed her normal walk. “I don’t think I’d like to risk my freedom to take the life of someone quite so self-centered.” If his focus would have been on others then it would be visibly on others. By the looks of him and his attitude, he expected his life and comfort to be of tremendous spiritual worth in themselves, regardless if no one profited from his quiet suffering and reprimand.

“You never mourned a day for those children. The only person you’re weeping for is yourself.”

[Kaikuro]

“I d-d-didn’t mean for you t-t-to take it so far,” He murmured, hugging his arms even tighter, his knees threatening to buckle under his own meager weight. As her bitter chastisement continued, he folded more and more within himself until he didn’t know what else to say. Her words gnawed through his thin skin and into his soul, and he teetered. She was right, but he didn’t want to believe it. He refused to believe it. The Fire Nation deserved to have his blood and he deserved to be executed there. That was the original verdict- why should there be any other path to take than wasting away?

But no… she was right. He didn’t die in the Fire Nation and, up until this day, he didn’t die in Republic City, either. So shouldn’t he be trying to live?

He shook his head. No- no, he was trying to live. He was doing everything he could with his meager existence to do something to benefit humanity. He was trying to become a doctor! And he always did what he could to help everyone who was in need. Had he forgotten about that pursuit entirely? When she started to leave, he considered saying something to stop her, or just let her go. In the long run, he wasn’t sure if he wanted to follow her or not- he was frozen in place, yet he was moving forward- moving past crossroads he was standing at. He needed to make a decision now, or…

While he was trying to find his voice, she dropped another anvil, perhaps to summarize everything she had been telling him.

“You never mourned a day for those children. The only person you’re weeping for is yourself.”

He snapped his head up to look at her retreating form, his eye widening. A shout came unbidden from his lips. “HEY!”

He dropped his hands to his sides, clenching his fists, and he stepped towards her, “You’re w-w-wrong- you have NO place to say that to me!” While he was trying to sound firm, his voice just squeaked when he attempted to put emphasis on words, perhaps destroying his attempts to sound confident. “I l-l-live every day of my life mourning for them… I’m *trying* t-t-to redeem myself- that’s- that’s why I’m t-t-trying to get enough money to become a doctor!”

Granted, his pursuit of some sort of medical career was slow going, ironic, and, at times, forgotten. His knowledge of medicine and healing remedies did little to benefit anyone in the long run. But he wanted to do it. He had every intention of doing it for as long as he remained living.

“I’m- I’m n-n-not self-centered!” He continued, not so much as to convince Karuka, but to convince himself. “…Let me show you… let me p-p-prove to you that I’m t-t-trying to find redemption… not for my sake, but for theirs…”

[Karura Kotoko]

Finally, she thought when he reacted to her endless stream of nearly baseless accusation and blatant guesswork fuelled judgement with something other than muted acceptance. Still, it had worked, it seemed to remind him that he did intend to do something after all instead of giving the simple “I might as well be dead” line. His goal sounded more ambitious than she had expected. Medical treatment was a rapidly expanding field and he would have to be spectacular to compete with the waterbenders.

She looked over her shoulder and smiled to him, pleased, stopping in her tracks. “Well, good. However, I think it’s generally recommended for doctors to not appear as if they are sick themselves.” She swept a gaze over him, emphasizing her point. Had she been coincidentally right about his focus on suffering? Either way, she enjoyed not hearing him sound completely defeated and motionless.

Her eyes widened with encouraging enthusiasm. “I said I would be watching so I look forward to the show.” One of her hands pressed onto her hip. “I suggest you start by trying to look less like the living dead.” She looked ahead again, her right leg slightly forward, ready to drag her body along into, as it stood, the frequently interrupted walk.

When she glanced back, it was from under lowered lashes, and there was something kind but cutting in her eyes. “If you’re done objecting, I’m going to make sure you become a doctor even if it’s the last thing you achieve.” She wasn’t sure why she was so interested in taking up the challenge. Trying to motivate others and keep them on the right track always consumed personal resources. Regardless, she wanted to see it.

“Do you believe we can advance towards that meal now? I’m pretty hungry.” This time she waited for him to move first. “And how did it happen?” She gave him a long look before clarifying her meaning. “How did you come to kill children?”

[Kaikuro]

Her demeanor seemed to change after his outburst. She almost seemed… pleased? Relieved? It was ultimately confusing to Kaikuro. He had assumed her intentions were, for the most part, to undermine him more than out of a genuine desire to help him. He did feel attacked, like her accusations were coming without enough evidence to back them up.

But they were true. How much evidence did she need? He had given her all she needed to know about his life, just from their brief interaction, and from the very fact of how he looked.

He took a deep breath. After his emotional outburst, he was suddenly feeling very weak, his body crumbling under the strain of recent events. Everything seemed to hit him at once. He could hardly pay attention to her, but her voice had lost a considerable amount of bite. She mentioned she would watch him, mentioned she would make sure he became a doctor. It was kind of her- much more than he deserved. It wasn’t her burden. She was a complete stranger to him, and he barely knew a thing about her.

But she seemed insistent. Persistent. Like she wanted the challenge that he posed to her.

In the end, he couldn’t argue with her. The simple fact was that her personality was much stronger than his, and he had no place to fight back. If she wanted to do it, then she would see to it that it was done. And that was the end of that.

“Do you believe we can advance towards that meal now?”

“…yes.” He replied, but he found his appetite had completely diminished since the incident. He seemed to be in shock, just trying to process the situation. He felt completely overloaded. He started walking, however, not really paying all that much attention to his surroundings.

“And how did it happen? How did you come to kill children?”

He tensed again. Not another question… he hardly felt capable of conversing much more with her at the present moment, but he wasn’t the type of man to brush off and ignore someone else’s curiosity. He didn’t have to give her the entire story- enough details for it to make some amount of sense would be enough to satisfy her, he felt.

“It… s-started with my father.” He spoke wearily, more air than voice. “…He was a firebender. Always drunk. Very violent… hurt me, hurt others.” Wringing his hands and walking slowly, he lifted his head to gaze at the line where the tallest buildings touched the sky. “…I g-g-grew… to hate them… Firebenders. I… f-f-felt they caused more pain in the world than their existence was worth. So I killed them. As many as I could.”

He glanced over at Karuka quickly, and clarified, “I d-d-don’t think that way anymore.” Granted, that was probably a given, considering the amount of guilt he suffered. But he felt he would leave no room for guessing.

[Karura Kotoko]

Karura was becoming more and more aware of his worn aspect, emotional meltdown accompanying his physical discomfort. Sinking deep within herself, she tried to remember a time when she could have felt the same but promptly rejected the memory forthcoming. The past wasn’t something she wanted to revisit, and because of what happened in the past, there was nothing that could happen to her in the present that would be able to have such an impact again. In her case, the experience of traumatic experiences in the past made everything else seem dull and ultimately unimportant. The things she had gotten over made her able to deal with everything life had to throw at her now.

He accepted to move forward, both in theory and literally to allow for her nourishment craving. Sparing his disheveled presence a thought, she walked at his pace, her eyes inexpressive as she watched the road and listened. So he had been a victim of parental abuse and that had actually set him on a killing spree. Karura could understand it in theory but at the same time she couldn’t find her in her own potential. She didn’t react to his words at first, listlessly noting the group of people they passed as he stressed he no longer thought that way.

Several streets passed and crossed later she finally reintroduced speech between them. “I don’t understand it. How you can be so strongly regretful of something you did with such conviction at the time you were doing it.” Maybe that was what true irrationality and impulsivity were. Her comment hadn’t actually invited commentary. “What made you change direction?” She offered it as a final question, deciding to allow him to rest and digest what had been said so far.

When they reached the restaurant in question she walked through the open doors, taking in the familiar scent of spices and sweets. The walls were warm red shades, closer to brown than flame. Excess and enjoyment bubbled in the air. Karura headed for a table in the corner, setting herself on the chair that faced into the restaurant and had her back to the wall. Feeling her back calm with relief from the stress of walking in pain, she drew up one of the menus available on the table to study the selection. “Have you eaten here before?” It was her favorite restaurant. Sharing it with someone else felt queer, so used was she to enjoying her own company only.

[Kaikuro]

As she mused on his next revelation, she was understandably confused. Her next question wasn’t near as difficult for him to answer, though it still made him feel uncomfortable to recollect the tale. After swallowing and taking a moment to consider his phrasing, he responded, “…I changed b-because when I was captured by the Fire Nation police… my father sacrificed his life to save mine. He died… so I could escape.” He shuddered, feeling ice prickling his spine as he recalled the events. “…It… took me some time before I realized the gravity of what happened. I had always judged him too harshly… and failed to judge myself.”

That was all Kaikuro said on the matter. They had arrived at the restaurant in more or less one piece, and Kaikuro felt himself beginning to crumble even more on the inside. Now that the shock, the adrenaline, the heart-pounding fear had begun to dissipate from his body, he was left trembling and weak. He felt out-of-place, following Karuka into the establishment and looking a bit disheveled, with his cheap clothes and uncombed hair.

He slipped a menu from the table as well, and at her question he simply shook his head. He heard about it, but he never had actually partaken here before. Most restaurants were too expensive for him anyway. Glancing over the menu, he figured he would find a simple, cheap salad and that would be it. He wasn’t even sure he could even stomach it at the present time, he considered not ordering anything at all. But something told him Karuka would have a problem with that.

Locating a simple salad in the menu, he placed it back on the table, folded his hands against his chest and leaned against the wall as well, trying desperately to keep himself from falling apart.